What would we do without Family? After all, without family, we would never be forced to spend excruciating amounts of time with people we don't understand, who have completely different values and with whom we have nothing in common. How would we ever learn Tolerance? How would we ever be able to tolerate strangers if we hadn't already learned to tolerate relatives?
- Falcon
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Recurring Nightmare
I often have this fear of being called up on Judgement Day, not to account for my various romantic "sins," but to account for every piece of crap I have failed to recycle purposefully and have instead consigned to the Landfill Graveyard. There I am, at the Pearly Gates, and St. Peter is carrying a clipboard making black ticks next to my name:
St. Peter: "So... I see in 2005 you threw out 15 cassette mixed tapes and 21 computer disks..."
Me: "I can explain that! I mean, I haven't listened to those mixed tapes in 20 years, and what was I going to do? Tape over them? The quality's crap! I don't even have a cassette player anymore. Same with the computer disks. Those were from the old Mac Classic I had back in 1992. I've had three other computers since then, and the one I have now doesn't even read disks. Sure, I could have gone to an internet cafe to have them wiped and then donated them to the Women's Shelter, but seriously, wouldn't they just throw that crap out anyway? Who needs blank 3.5 inch disks anymore?"
St. Peter: There is also the case of those 3 pairs of underwear and 2 pairs of socks.
Me: Oh, come on. Those socks were worn through.
St. Peter: I have one word: darning. It's bad enough that you don't cook, and instead heat up soup from cans that you deposit into recycling bins that alleviate your conscience but don't come near to solving the problem of rampant consumerism, but to top it off you won't even spend the 10 minutes necessary with a needle and thread to prolong the life of a pair of socks that will take a thousand years to biodegrade. Shame. Shame! And the underwear too!
Me: But the underwear had holes in the crotch.
St. Peter: ONE hole. Big deal. Did it still cover your ass? Yes. It was pure vanity that made you throw them away and buy 5 more pairs for $20 at that La Senza sale. And vanity is a sin.
Me: (crying) Yes! You're right. I am vain. But that new underwear was so cute! And unstained!
St. Peter: Would you rather be have stains in your panties, or ON YOUR SOUL??!!!
And so it goes.
Sigh.
- Falcon.
St. Peter: "So... I see in 2005 you threw out 15 cassette mixed tapes and 21 computer disks..."
Me: "I can explain that! I mean, I haven't listened to those mixed tapes in 20 years, and what was I going to do? Tape over them? The quality's crap! I don't even have a cassette player anymore. Same with the computer disks. Those were from the old Mac Classic I had back in 1992. I've had three other computers since then, and the one I have now doesn't even read disks. Sure, I could have gone to an internet cafe to have them wiped and then donated them to the Women's Shelter, but seriously, wouldn't they just throw that crap out anyway? Who needs blank 3.5 inch disks anymore?"
St. Peter: There is also the case of those 3 pairs of underwear and 2 pairs of socks.
Me: Oh, come on. Those socks were worn through.
St. Peter: I have one word: darning. It's bad enough that you don't cook, and instead heat up soup from cans that you deposit into recycling bins that alleviate your conscience but don't come near to solving the problem of rampant consumerism, but to top it off you won't even spend the 10 minutes necessary with a needle and thread to prolong the life of a pair of socks that will take a thousand years to biodegrade. Shame. Shame! And the underwear too!
Me: But the underwear had holes in the crotch.
St. Peter: ONE hole. Big deal. Did it still cover your ass? Yes. It was pure vanity that made you throw them away and buy 5 more pairs for $20 at that La Senza sale. And vanity is a sin.
Me: (crying) Yes! You're right. I am vain. But that new underwear was so cute! And unstained!
St. Peter: Would you rather be have stains in your panties, or ON YOUR SOUL??!!!
And so it goes.
Sigh.
- Falcon.
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