Things I Learned From My German Sheize Film

Okay, first it's not really a sheize film - but it really is German.

I had my first of three days of shooting on a German Harlequin-romance/Hallmark movie of the week/Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman style film today. I play Linda, the maid to rich, handsome cattle baron Henry, and his beautiful refined city slicker wife Margaret.

I sucked in my scene, but other than that, it was a great day!

I really did suck - I ain't exaggerating. I can't cry on command. And there's something absurd about the first shot of the day being, "Okay, Andreas is going to jump off of ze horse and shake his head to Anna. She's going to go into ze house - you look at her, hit your mark here, hold ze dinner plate up close to your face so we can see it in ze shot. Andreas will then say somezing to you in Cherman. Look sad, shake your head or something, und go in ze house." The director is patient with me, talking to me a little slowly like I'm mildly retarded. He doesn't mean anything by it, but in film it's assumed that if you have a small part you're really a shoe salesman by day and so require a little extra positive reinforcement.

In this case he may have been right. I'm more naturally suited to comedy than tragedy, and I'm terrified of overacting the serious stuff, especially in a close-up shot on camera where your face is the size of the screen. So I'm TRYING, I mean I'm FEELING it! As hard as I can! But it's hard. I even try some acting exercises - you know, thinking, "What's my relationship to this couple? Why am I soooo sad because she can't have kids after little Fiona died? Do I have kids, so I know what she's going through? Or was I really the one taking care of little Fiona all the time? What am I DOING (silently) to Henry while he's speaking to me?" And then I laughed a little for taking myself too seriously, sighed, and waited to hit my mark and hold my dinner plate close to my face. We did it three times - as soon as I got the plate in the shot it was, "Cut! Print! Check the gate!" and they were on to the next set up.

Later, when I was alone in the trailer (I don't get a trailer, but the two female leads do, and they are super sweet to me, and invited me to stay in the trailer instead of sitting out in the blazing sun all afternoon) - at any rate, I'm in the trailer and looking in the mirror, recreating my morning's take, and I realize - I am completely expressionless. I mean, NOTHING. My fear of overacting has caused me to be frighteningly stony in the face of Henry and Margaret's crisis. Well, let's hope the dinner plate looks good.

I have also learned something very important: German girls are hot. Holy cow, these two I am working with are both stunning - one is very light blonde, one is very dark brunette, both have deep deep tans and big blue eyes. They have tiny waists and builds, but the biggest natural breasts I have ever seen. It's disconcerting. They also have pretty dresses and delicate little shoes, and I have this voluminous heavy grey outfit and apron and combat boots. I really do feel like the plain, milk-skinned, round-faced dairy maid around them. But they are also extremely sweet and gracious. They treat me a little like a favourite pet.

Henry, the rich handsome cattle baron, is played by Andreas, who is I guess quite the big soap star in Germany. (He's also been in a lot of German TV movies with titles like "Das Liebe Verboten." I think he specializes in "rugged handsome.")

He is
1. 42
2. used to be a model
3. lived in Toronto, L.A., and Australia, as well as his native Homburg.
4. secretly dislikes Berlin and thinks Berlinners have funny accents.
5. has had occasion to spend time with the likes of James Cameron, Gwyneth Paltrow and Jennifer Aniston at big German premieres.
5. He went to business school before he became an actor, once caught some kind of spotted skin disease from a modelling shoot where he had to frolic in Lake Ontario during the dark days of lake pollution, used to have a tarantula (now he has a dog), and has decided never to contact his natural father. His mother is shy and dignified with a good sense of humour and is very proud of him. Needless to say, we had a lot of time to talk on set.

He was very kind - to the point that I thought he might be flirting with me. "With me?" I'm thinking. "But have you SEEN your wife? And the other gal?" But being a plain Canadian gal is obviously kinda exotic - Andreas was quite the gentleman; paid me a lot of attention, offered to teach me my line in German, dished up my dinner for me and threw out my popsicle stick for me afterwards. He even ate lunch down under the burning hot crew tent with me instead of retreating to his trailer.

That's what I learned about Germans - they're surprisingly POLITE and genuinely NICE. At least these ones were. And were continually putting the one Canadian Costumer's nose out of joint by offering to make me more comfortable, or try to get me released when it was obvious we weren't getting around to my next scene that day.

That's it - from now on I say, "Ich Bin Eine Homborger!" Um. That sounds somehow wrong.

- Falcon.