Radio Duty Call

Someone phoned me today to ask if I had the time to answer a few questions - just a research survey, not selling anything, no pressure.

I said yes, thinking of my friend who is always happy to answer research surveys at home. She feels it is a welcome distraction, and she feels a sense of satisfaction in helping someone out, as well as getting complete permission to talk about herself for a few minutes.

The woman on the other end of the line is obviously reading off of a script written by a technical writer with no flair for language. She has probably been doing this for hours. She really doesn't care if I answer the questions or not. She could hardly be more dynamic if she was reading the side of a cereal box.

There is a bit of a mystery afoot however: what is the object of the survey? Who is collecting this research? What can I learn about THEM by the questions they ask of ME? All in good time. Patience, patience.

The first few questions are demographic. I am between the ages of 25 and 69, which is apparently a good thing. Female, that's fine, too. Now come more leading questions. "I am going to ask you a series of questions and you may answer with any of the following responses: always listen, sometimes listen, seldom listen, never listen, here is the first question, how often do you spend listening to the radio or to cds or dowload songs from the internet to the following artists, adult contemporary artists like Mariah Carey, Andy Williams, and Celine Dion? Or classic crooner like Frank Senatra, Din Martin, and Sammy Davie Jr.? Or instrumental music like Herb Alpert, Louis Armstrong and Pat Methany (rhymes with "Bethany")? Sarah McClachlan, Abbeh - uh Abba, Bee Gee, Air Supply, and Ricky Englesias? (she had obviously been doing this for a long time, and although her voice sounded like the right demographic, she had obviously never heard of some of these "classic crooners" before). Sadly, the only positive feedback I could give her was to answer "seldom" once - to Sammy Davie Jr., of course.

It's a strange thing - there were singers on the list that I would definitely listen to, but not in conjunction with some of the other choices on the same list. I would never think to mix Frank Sinatra and Pat Metheny, for instance. And although who doesn't love Ella Fitzgerald? Somehow the thought of llistening to her back to back with Mariah Carey or Abbeh makes my skin crawl.

Then came a few more leading questions: "How important are the latest sports scores to your listening pleasure? How important is it to be able to hear people phone in and discuss important issues in your community? How important is it to hear a wide variety of music?" All of which I answered "Not At All" too.

I was beginning to think I was disappointing her.

After all, I really wasn't much help at all. I was in the right demographic - over 35 even! And yet I was not disappointed with the lack of variety available in current radio stations. I was quite happy with the ones I was listening to. And although I am very familiar with Air Supply and Bee Gee, I am not interested in listening to a radio station that would give them prominent airplay.

Then came the weirdest part of the survey. She said, "I am going to play a few short examples of music for you now. There are three selections. It will take a few minutes. I will then ask you if you would listen to this kind of music - Definitely, Probably, Probably Not, Definitely Not." I told her to let'er rip, drop the needle. She started the music, but it seemed to be coming from a tape deck close, but not close enough, to the phone. I told her I was having trouble hearing it. She seemed to be holding the phone up to the speaker, but she would get tired, and sometimes it would slip. So through my receiver I was hearing this distant, tinny, a.m. sounding instrumental noise at varying volume levels.

I have to admit I wasn't listening very carefully. About 15 seconds into it I was ready to pass out. So I started checking my email and doing other productive things, while this "music" was playing through what was apparently a tin can tied to a string tied to the late 70s.

When this strange ritual of ours had come to a close, she asked me if I would Definitely, Probably, Probably Not, or Definitely Not listen to a radio station like this. I think the sigh that breathed through my "DEFINITELY not" may have made her uncomfortable. Or smile.

Her next question was, "Even if you would not listen to a station like this yourself, is there someone else in your household who might? Would they Definitely, Probably, Probably Not, or Definitely Not listen to it?" I tell her there's just me. She says I have to answer the question anyway. I tell her I guess I could count the cat, but he probably wouldn't be interested either. Put the cat down for "Probably Not," I say. After all, I'm not in his head, I should leave room for doubt. This time she really does laugh.

The disconcerting - but interesting - part of these kinds of surveys is that you start to get a picture of yourself though this other person's eyes, through their particular lens. So in this case, I start to see myself: over 35, female, single, lives with a cat, post-graduate degree, makes a living but has stopped listening to the income categories about 3 in and can't believe the woman on the phone is still going on 15 income brackets later, and listens to primarily hip hop music and Sammy Davis Jr.

Here's the thing - sometimes I feel a little self-conscious listening to my hip hop radio station in the kitchen, or in the car. After all, who do I think I am? I'm not a kid anymore. I don't want to be embarrassing myself by dressing too young, or listening too young. On the other hand, I do think that it's important to keep abreast of what is currently going on in the world of popular culture. I used to listen to another local station; at first it was novel that they played all these 80s songs I remembered from my high school days. "Hey! Icicle Works! Whatever happened to those guys?" But eventually it became too tedious. "Hey, didn't I listen to this over and over again already when I was in high school? Do I have to listen to it over and over again FOREVER now?" I don't want to be one of those people that is frozen in time. Who don't think "rap" is "music" just because it became popular after 1990. Who don't think music has progressed much since Images In Vogue took the stage in Vancouver with their tinny synthesizers and phony British accents. Look, even Duran Duran has moved on, okay?

That isn't to say that I don't listen to anything from the past. I listen to lots. In fact, I am catching up now on my 80s screaming metal anthems - last year it was my time to discover and appreciate Guns'n Roses. And this year, I'm very much enjoying AC/DC - stuff I wouldn't be caught dead listening to when I was a teenager wearing Bauhaus t-shirts and idolizing the Smiths.

But I'll admit it - I LIKE contemporary pop music! This is my secret shame. People think because I like things like Books By Dead Russians that I should only listen to - I don't know what they think I should listen to. But they're generally surprised when I tell them I like Beyonce! The Killers! And sure, The Arcade Fire is awesome, but so is Usher. Blush. I think K-OS is incredibly talented. And wait for it - so is Eminem. They're catchy, they're clever, they have great rhythms. And one day they'll get old too. And something else will be shaking up the airwaves. And that's the great thing about popular culture it's fluid. Heck, even the biggest, most intellectually dense author in the world - Umberto Eco - has written a book about how important pop culture is in shaping identity and memory.

Check it out: http://www.cbc.ca/arts/books/eco.html

I can't tell you how happy that made me. The fact that someone else admits that there is something very comforting in "low" art that is entirely compatible with an appreciation of "high" art. Whew.

All this to say that although I welcome any new radio station to the dial - after all, variety is the spice of life, and I'm sure there IS a market for a station that plays Ricque Englasias and gives all the latest news in professional sports - but it's just not me. But, in the words of Gwen Stefani, "I aint' no Hollaback Girl."

Sadly, you will still be able to catch me and the cat dancing to the Black Eye'd Peas singing "Don't Phunk With My Heart" any given morning while the coffee's brewing.

- Falcon