Serenduplicitous

Sometimes the world sends you signs. Sometimes they can be hard to understand. Sometimes they're just there to freak you out...

So today, I have this song stuck in my head. "Stand By Your Man." Which the Clown sang at karaoke the night in Edmonton that he was remarkably rude to me and in pursuit of this other girl. I think, "Why do I have this song stuck in my head?" and suddenly, there she is. The girl. On the street in front of me. Otherwise the street is empty. Of all the hundreds of people here as part of this event, why does SHE have to cross my path now, like a black cat?

I am feeling typically ill, and head into a dollar store to pick up more packing tape. The song is still in my head. I think, "I have to get rid of this song - wait! There's something fun playing on the muzak in the store." It's "I Will Survive," which I start to bop along to, until I remember - this is the song that the Clown play throughout his ENTIRE show. His theme song, as it were. Sigh. Not a good alternative.

I am at Steve and Ken's lovely Kitsilano condo, sitting on the sofa, musing while a Norah Jones CD that Ken has put on plays in the background. I am thinking how weird these uncoincidental coincidences are, when I suddenly hear the words to the song that Norah is singing: "Did the Clown make you smile? Was he only a fool for a while? Now he's gone back home...

What, exactly, am I to take away from this?!

If you're listening, Spirits:

I release you.
I release you.
I relelease you.

I don't want to feel sick anymore. I don't know why I care. I don't want to. And I don't, really, anymore. Except when these things happen, and then the nausea starts to surface. I feel humiliated and gullible and unclean. My heart is green and sea-sick on the turbulent waves of my own uncontrollable, irrational emotion. What is the source of these whirlpools? What is it that is so far beneath the surface, so far that I can sense its depth without having a clue what its shape is?

What is rocking my boat?

N.