Scat Chat No. 2

SELF-CONGRATULATORY EXERCISE.
I have recently noticed an annoying habit of mine. It seems that when I have finished my business on the indoor convenience (toilet, for those of you who don't sprinkle your everyday banter with phrases from Victorian novels - another annoying habit of mine) I am COMPELLED to check on my work before flushing. I suppose I could say that it's what the doctor recommends, after all, the state of your stool is often a very telling sign of your current state of health. However, I am forthright enough to admit that this is not why I do it. I am not checking for colour and consistency, or evidence of blood, generally. I have no idea what I'm looking for, and mostly the incident passes without much notice. On occasion, however, I have shocked myself. I have turned around, about to flush, and have caught myself issuing an "Oh my!" at the results.

Sometimes I amaze myself. "Did THAT come out of ME? Good grief! It's the size of a full grown anaconda and yet it passed in under a second and I hardly felt a thing!" Sometimes I can work up a sweat for hardly any results at all. "Is that it? Good lord I thought I earned that one." And sometimes you hardly notice it happened at all but the proof is in the pudding, as it were.

The other day I went the one step too far. I turned to look at what had felt like a pretty uneventful passing, and was shocked to see the length and breadth of my work, already sliding toward the inevitable passage. I gasped, "Good work!" and then I caught myself. What? What exactly am I patting myself on the back for? Good work? Completing a significantly researched and well-written 3000 word essay; performing a one hour monologue with perfect timing; washing the car by hand; these are worthy of the term "Good work." One smooth solid poop is just a necessary function that will come whether or not you put too much effort into it. Perhaps that was it - I was congratulating myself on my own effortlessness. I had eaten well, and processed efficiently, and now the reward was this smooth firm painless fast moving cylinder. Good work, indeed. Keep it up.

- Falcon