Charming Devils

May I present you with my top ten list of Sexy Devils (in no particular order):

1. Judas in Jesus Christ Superstar. We all know that it's the better part. If Lloyd Webber hadn't written "Gethsemane," the Jesus role would be a complete bust.

2. Lord Asriel in Philip Pullman's His Dark Materials series. Not only is he a passionate, emotionally unavailable character with the haughtiest disposition since Mr. D'Arcy swallowed his Pride and Prejudice, but the book recasts the Original Rebel Angel as the GOOD GUY! That's right. God isn't dead in this book, but he's in a hell of a decaying stupor, and Asriel is there to try to unite all the Universes in a bid to free all souls from the tyranny of Death. How do you not dig that?

3. Lucy - short for Lucifer - in Timothy Findley's Not Wanted on the Voyage. It's hard not to root for this contemplative cross-dressing character. He's sensitive and tender, completely opposite God's cruel messenger Noah.

4. The Devil in ANY Tom Waits album is always a slick character. And he's in all of them. He's always one step ahead, even if he sometimes has to hop on one foot. Speaking of which, anyone who has never seen The Black Rider when it was in their home town should be rounded up and flogged. But more importantly, if a gimpy cloven-hooved guy minced up to your door with a crooked smile and a red rose, you'd fall over yourself letting him in the hizzy to sing a song or two. You know you would.

5. And when the Devil went down to Georgia he played a mean fiddle. Now what's sexier than a pagan Paganini?

6. Sting in Brimstone and Treacle. I know a guy whose dad is a Unitarian minister and makes his family watch this film every Christmas. Now THAT'S the power of sex appeal, my friends.

7. Tim Curry in that weird Tom Cruise Unicorn Movie. Even with terrifyingly massive horns and hind limbs you have to feel sorry for the lonely goat. AND as IF you wouldn't let him dress you up like an extra from Bauhaus' Bela Legosi's Dead video and let him take your virginity. Heck, I was already dressed like that in the 80's anyway, and if that thing had stormed up to the doors of Clarkson Secondary School 100 feet tall and burnin' for my soul, (which is way cooler than riding a pony to school even) I would have left my lunch right there under the stairs in the emergency exit and been glad for the chance to skip town. Hey, I just would have been glad someone WANTED my viriginity. And hey, I was living in Missisauga - how bad could hell be? Frankly I would be moving to a better neighbourhood. I digress...

8. David Bowie as the Goblin King in Labyrinth. TAKE my baby sister, PLEASE! Just let me stay with you in your hot crazy cave hovel and listen to you rock out with those Dark Crystal muppets.

9. The Fallen Angel of Milton's Paradise Lost. He can find Paradise any time he wants by my Dashboard Light. (Hee hee. Paradise Lost by the Dashboard Light - starring Milton in the Meatloaf role...)

10. Robert deNiro and/or Mickey Roarke in that Oedipal murder mystery Angel Heart. Okay, the fingernails are kinda creepy but the devil always wears a goatee, and neatly trimmed facial hair is SEXY, my friends! As for Mickey Roarke's peak performance, it's that greasy I-haven't-slept-in-weeks-and-I'm-covered-in-chicken-blood/DRRTY thang that just makes me want to roll him up and smoke him like a Cuban cigar. Okay that really WAS too much information. But I'm not taking it back.

Bonus: The Phantom of the Opera. Not technically the devil, but an emotionally sensitive murderous sociopath, which is close enough. And he's got a cape and a cool mask. (this should be a whole sub-genre: black cape/mask wearing rebels, which would naturally include Zorro and Darth Vadar. And probably August Strindberg.)

- Falcon