International Avenue

Recently there was an initiative to clean up the image of Forest Lawn - a neighbourhood here in Calgary with a somewhat seedy reputation. The powers-that-be decided that it would spruce things up a bit in the eyes of the Globe and the International traveller to rename that part of 17th Avenue east of downtown: International Avenue.

This leads me to wonder what would happen if this strategy actually worked? What if, drawn by the allure of "International Avenue" a world traveller from Paris, or Rome, or Prague booked a hotel on International Avenue in Calgary, Alberta, hoping to get a taste of Canada.

Well first of all he (let's call him a "he" for the sake of argument. After all, this international traveller could very well be a "she" but I just would rather not put her through this experiment. I would spare her the trauma) - as I was saying, first of all he would have to take the greyhound from the airport, which conveniently pulls up on International Avenue right by a gas station and a neighbourhood pub. How friendly! How quaint! A neighbourhood pub. Then he'd be able to check into his rooms at roadside motel and start exploring Canada. Look at the modern conveniences available in Canada! Right on International Avenue you can have a cheque cashed - 24 hours a day! And with that cash burning a whole in our traveller's pocket, he'd be able to spend it at any number of exotic places - look! There are at least 2 cheque-cashing places kitty corner to each other, and the shopping is incredible - there's a pawn shop on every street corner. And how tropical does this sound? - Paradise Lanes, where the globe-trotting set can bowl til 11 pm every night. Feeling peckish? How about an affordable meal at "Western & Chinese Food?" Or Dairy Queen? Spill something on your tie? No problem! Have your clothes dry-cleaned at Lou's. Need entertainment? The Drive-In is just down the block - oh wait, it's closed down. No worries - there's an Adult Mart right across the street. Come on and Sex Up Your Life in Sophisticated, Sexy Canada! Fall in love with International Avenue? Move in! There's a spot reserved for you at Trailer Court (no, it doesn't have a name, it's just called "Trailer Court" and the words are apparently hand-written with an old red jiffy marker onto an elliptical light-box sign reminiscent of 50's burger joints). Don't feel like driving? Take the #1 bus right into downtown and be part of the fascinating local scene by talking to the guy next to you with the briefcase wrapped in aluminum foil. Doesn't that sound like fun?

Ah, International Avenue - Gateway to the World.

- Falcon.